Who is right?

Walking through a park close to Kendall Square I came across a couple of picnic tables. It was a beautiful day, and people were enjoying meals outside. Smack on top of one of the tables was a fairly sizeable dog, munching away from its owner’s take-out container. Two thoughts came to mind: 1) WTF and 2) gross. I continued walking and wondered why I had not said anything. If I felt so strongly about it, why didn’t I share my views? Was I afraid what they would think of me? Was I afraid of creating conflict and thus discomfort? In Swedish there is a great term for this kind of conundrum: civilkurage. The literal translation is “civil courage,” and it means speaking your mind, even when it comes at a personal cost, which can range from risking your life to fear of creating discomfort or embarrassment. It is fair to say that I only risked the latter, although dog owners can certainly be…..protective of their dogs. I thought to myself: if no one ever says anything to people who think paws on the table is OK, they may never consider an alternative view.

“Maybe this is why we have wars in the world. We don’t take enough time to understand others’ views; we conclude they must be idiots and that we have little in common.”

I gathered my courage and, on my way back, politely said that I questioned the wisdom of placing their furry friend on a surface that would soon be occupied by someone else enjoying their lunch. The people at the table stared at me. “Well, it is an outdoor table,” one of them said, as if this settled the matter. “If you are afraid of germs, you should eat inside,” she continued. “There are pigeons that land on the table, and even racoons. That’s far worse than my dog.” I politely pointed out that while it is truly challenging to control racoons, she can make decisions about where her dog goes. I soon realized the discussion was going nowhere and retreated. As I walked away, I was perplexed by their argumentation: just because a situation is bad, do we need to make it worse? It’s like saying: this table is so disgusting, I might as well place my dirty shoes on top of it. It is like arguing well, I have already given you my cold so I might as well share my stomach flu too. Maybe this is why we have wars in the world. We don’t take enough time to understand others’ views; we conclude they must be idiots and that we have little in common. The truth is, we often share a common goal, in this case, enjoying a lunch out in the open.

I do think civic norms have shifted and loosened somewhat since Covid. What has not shifted or loosened is our innate desire to be right.